Life on the lighter side. Our own special collection of technology jokes and humor.
Windows 98 Upgrade
Dear Consumers:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the
WINDOWS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally been
shipped outside the South. If you have one of these,
you may need some help understanding the commands.
The southern edition may be recognized by the unique
opening screen. It reads "WINDERS 98," with a background
picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a
Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazzard
screen saver.
Also note:
* The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse."
* My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
* Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
* Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"
* Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
* Floppies are
"them little ol plastic disc thangs"
* Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and a roll of duct tape"
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SUTHERN EDITION:
* OK: ats aw-right
* Cancel: stopdat
* Reset: try 'er agin
* Yes: yep
* No: nope
* Find: hunt fer it
* Get: fetch it
* Go to: over yonder
* Back: back yonder
* Help: hep me outa here!
* Stop: kwitit
* Start: crank 'er up!
* Settings: sittins
* Programs: stuff dat duz stuff
* Documents: stuff ah done did
Also note that SUTHERN EDITION does not
recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98:
* tiperiter: A word processing program
* colerin book: a graphics program
* cyferin mersheen: calculator
* outhouse paper: notepad
* jupe-box: CD Player
* iner-net: Microsoft Explorer 4.0
* pichers: A graphics viewer
* irs: MS accounting software
* irs2: MS accounting software with hidden files
* tax records: usually an empty file
* coon dog: American kennel club records
You'll recognize WINDERS 98 SUTHERN EDITION,
as it comes pre-loaded with certain "Favorites" for browsing
the World Wide Web.
* Fishin': Bass Anglers Sportsman Society
* Shotgun: Remington Arms home page
* Riffel: Winchester home page
* Pistul: Smith & Wesson home page
* Truck: Ford & Chevy dealers by zip code
* House: Mobile home repair services & movers
by zip code
* Cuzzins: Complete database of southern residents (extremely
long download time)
* Bud: List of Budweiser distributors by zip code
* Racin': NASCAR schedule with TV stations that carry the
races
* Car 'n truck parts: Junk yards by zip code
* Doc: veterinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a
copy of WINDERS 98 SUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft
for a replacement version. I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob Gates
"Head Honcho
Modem Times - Maxims for the Internet Age
1. 'Ome is where you 'ang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. The http://www.joker.org is
on you.
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use
the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
THE COMPUTER PERSON'S PRAYER
Our program, who art in Memory,
Hello be thy name.
Thy operating system come,
thy commands be done,
at the Printer as they are on the Screen.
Give us this day our daily data,
and forgive us our I/O errors as we forgive those
whose logic circuits are faulty.
Lead us not into Frustration,
and deliver us from Power Surges.
For thyne is the Algorithm,
the Application,
and the Solution,
looping for ever and ever.
How Documentation SHOULD Be----
I once unpacked a SCSI drive shipped from Bubba's, and it arrived with this article in the packaging. No kidding!
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give
you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
maneuver.
Which is why we ask you to:
PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.
PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.
Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.
If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe. Besides the device, the box should contain:
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not Pete.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.
DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!
Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP
OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintainence action, as a kindly (something) wirepoint from Drawing B.
4. WARRANTY
Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
Y2K
Redmond, WA -- Microsoft announced today that the official release date
for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the
second quarter of 1901.
The Gender of Computers
A pastor of a church had previously been a sailor. He was very aware that ships are addresses as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two group of computer experts.
The first group was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computer should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendations.
The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
The Design of Instructions
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
Some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's Peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.